Sometimes things which *should* be obvious are not.
We’re so occupied elsewhere that we miss what’s in front of our face.
That happened to me the other day.
I was catching a bus downtown for SXSW, and it dawned on me.
I live in Austin.
I live in AUSTIN.
I LIVE in Austin.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to live in a city.
Now I do.
But I was working a job that didn’t allow me to appreciate it.
I don’t think I fully realized how traumatizing my last job was.
It’s been a month since I started working at the feminist bookstore down the street from my house, and I am just now starting to feel competent at it. I am still learning new things every day, but now there more things I can remember how to do, so it feels a little less overwhelming.
Scheduling is definitely trickier and it’s harder to get social time in now, but I feel hopeful.
I think in some ways, even though I had moved, because I was still working almost the same job I had before I came to Austin there was a part of me that hadn’t quite caught up to that.
I was too depressed and drained to really be able to take advantage of what was around me or to even notice it. It felt too overwhelming.
That’s not to say I never did anything.
There were moments that I recognized I was attending events I wouldn’t have been able to before.
But at some point, all of that was overshadowed by my stress.
I stopped seeing everything except the job I hated, staring down another week of misery, and often being too tired to want to do much else.
Standing at the bus stop in the rain, I felt a world of possibility again.
I can volunteer at a local farm for free vegetables.
I can sell feminist books.
I can take a bus or learn to ride my bike.
I can go to fun events.
I can schedule time to see friends if that’s what it takes.
I can explore my neighborhood, finally.
I live in a city.
I live in a city.
I live in a city.
Now I just need a performance outlet and I will be set.
I think I just need time to find myself again.
I lost myself in my old job. I spent so much time being this person that I hated, that I forgot how to be a person that I like.
But I think I’m finding her again. Slowly but surely.
My anxiety feels much more manageable now, though I am sure I will still have my days.
I’m recognizing just how much my self-esteem has eroded in the past year and a half.
I need space to find my voice again, and to assert myself.
I need to be able to believe in myself again, and to believe I am valued by others.
I will get there.
But it’s a process, and I can’t rush it, and I have to be patient with myself.
Getting a new job didn’t magically make everything better overnight.
But now I can get back on track piece by piece, and try to regain my bearings, instead of just marching in place.
Baby steps.