I think I’m suffering from inertia.
Like, an object in motion will stay in motion and an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.
This was an especially bad week at work.
But even so, I can see the larger pattern now.
I’m just so exhausted all the time.
I don’t know that I can still blame it on the accident.
Even if I get enough sleep or sleep well, by the time I get home I’m exhausted. I’m a night owl so the fact that I want to go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00pm is distressing to me. Especially when even so I still wouldn’t wake up until almost 9:00am to get to work.
I don’t think it’s physical exhaustion. I think it’s mental and emotional.
Work is so draining and by the time I’m done it’s hard to want to be around people or to do much of anything.
I have been using work to catch up on some craft projects, but there’s no joy in it, really. It’s just something to pass the time. I’m not doing them because I WANT to. I’m doing it because otherwise I’m so fucking bored I want to stab my eye out with a pencil.
And I have a to-do list because I’m that kind of person. But now even checking off those boxes just feels like finding ways to keep myself busy so I forget how tired I am.
I realized yesterday I haven’t showered at all this week. Usually I do a little better than that.
I’m in that depressed headspace where nothing matters.
I don’t always have really strong opinions about what TV show to watch or what to make for dinner, but lately it’s even harder for me to decide those things and I think it’s because I really just don’t care either way. It just doesn’t matter much to me anymore.
And I don’t want to be this way.
I just don’t know what my outside force is. I don’t know what can push me back into momentum.
I have to live like this for at least twelve more weeks.
And what if the job I find for after I move isn’t any better than the one I have now?
I need some project, some sense of purpose.
I need to feel like anything I do matters.
I’m just so tired all the time.
Even doing hardly anything beyond what’s necessary to get myself to work and feed myself and cook.
I want to care about something again.
I need a job that doesn’t drain the life out of me slowly.
Or something to do after work that replenishes that well.
Because it’s bone dry around here.
And I’m out of ideas of what might help.
I need some rain.